Cut-Throat Island

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I have learned a lot from everything that has happened in my life in the last little while. Well… the last 8 months especially. I have learned a lot about myself, about who I am and how I am damaged. And Why I am still hurting.

I have spent my whole life trying to isolate myself from other people, while trying to be close to them. I grew up an only child until I was 9. My parents both worked. I spent most of my time alone. I was an awkward kid and I got picked on a lot at school. My sister was born and my parents forgot about me. I was always around adults, and when I wasn’t, I was around kids my age who hated me for a reason I still don’t know. I have always been alone, and I have always needed to protect myself.

Now fast forward 20-some-odd years… I have healed a LOT from my old wounds. I have come out of my shell and found the world to be full of danger, yes, but also full of love. I have filled my life with amazing people who are really good to me. Honest, caring, kind people. I have learned how to be accepted, and liked. I have learned to be social.

Except when I fall in love.

When I fall for someone, I become an insecure 13 year old girl again. I question everything, over-analyze everything, I am suspicious, I 2nd guess every action. I become co-dependent. I become desperate.

When I fall in love it becomes a prison of doubt, fear, panic, worry, jealousy. I become my anti-self. I become everything I am not when I am single. It’s like, when I am alone I am confident, I am sure of myself, I have immense self-faith and I know how to make myself happy and how to maintain that happiness. As soon as I give my heart to someone, I “forget” it all. I look to my partner to fill the void that is missing. I look to them for perfection. For fulfillment. To Bondo all my dents and scrapes and gloss over it with a pretty Top Coat. Get real.

Trusting people doesn’t make you stupid. Being hurt doesn’t make you weak.

I need to stop trying to protect myself from people and trying to let them love me at the same time. I need to stop putting up walls and shying away from people because I am scared to get hurt.

I’ve BEEN hurt, and it sucked but I survived. I’ve BEEN betrayed and I moved on. I’ve BEEN abandoned and I learned to walk alone, strong and happy. I’ve BEEN abused. I’ve BEEN beaten. I’ve BEEN ignored, singled out, lied to, cheated on, left out… I’ve survived it ALL. I’ve made it through EVERYTHING.

So WHY do I keep going through this cycle of losing myself, when I KNOW damn well that I can make it through ANYTHING, that I can stand strong through EVERYTHING and come out happy, self-affirmed, self-sufficient and still able to give my heart and feel love and joy and fulfillment?

I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to love freely and feel openly and have the strength to pick myself up and carry on and FORGIVE and grow WITH people instead of cutting them out. I know that I am SMART enough to know the difference between MISTAKE and DELIBERATE. I know I am STRONG enough to move on when I have to, and be alone if I need to. I know I am CAPABLE of deciding, consciously, whether someone has wronged me and if they are WORTH putting in the effort to forgive and move on.

I want off of Cut-Throat Island.