Pursuit of Happiness

I want to talk about happiness.

Lately I have found myself in a permanent state of gratitude for my life and the people in it. It seems like every time I am faced with a crisis, out of the woodwork come all these people; some I didn’t expect and lots I did; to offer their support, their knowledge, their time, their energy. I have been privileged to spend a lot of time lately with people who are just… incredible. It’s easy to take advantage of them while things are great in your life, but when you are down and you feel like shit, these people have an amazing way of lifting your spirits so you drift gently back to your own two feet again. These people are Godsends. Some of them don’t even realize how much they have impacted your life or a chain of events. A simple compliment, a glance, an email, a text. Sometimes these simple gestures from one’s heart to another, is all that’s needed to set you on the right path again.

I have been very lucky to meet some really stellar people in the last little while… People I have come to feel very close to. People I feel I can rely on. I used to be so anti-social and introverted and now… I can’t imagine not being surrounded by these people. They make me strive to be a better person, if anything, so that I treat them better because I feel they deserve it. Jeez, I feel so full of love and life. These people give me LIFE.

Let’s talk about music. I’ve said it before and I really believe that loud bass can heal anything. Haha.

I carry on like I’m made out of titanium alloy and nothing can touch me, but it isn’t true. I’m fallible, flawed, and I get hurt. Damn I get hurt sometimes. Let’s be real for a minute, I am fucking hurting. It gets easier every day and all the love in my life heals me a little bit at a time, but I am still sad and angry and there is a knot in my stomach that will be there for a while still. I don’t give a shit if I’m the only one, and if I’m the only broken hearted person in this situation that’s fine. I’m going to feel how I feel and all I can do is look forward, drop my shoulder and push right through it. I know I will, and I know I will come away from this stronger and more determined than ever.

But right now, I hurt all over. I feel like I got tossed in a burlap sack and thrown down a flight of stairs. Or ten.

I’m not ashamed of how I feel. I refuse to apologize or act like it isn’t there. I’ve lived honest for so long, I can’t hide who I am. I wish things were different, and I wish that things had turned out the way I still sometimes fantasize. I have a small glimmer of hope in my heart. I am a romantic and I believe in enduring love that doesn’t die. I know with my head that’s not realistic, but fuggit, Imma believe it anyway because it helps me sleep at night. I feel helpless and disappointed and fucking ANGRY. I’m confused. I’m scared.

But I’m resolute.

I know things can’t go back to how they were, and truthfully, I don’t want them to. I deserve better than what I got, even if it was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I know that I don’t want to be around people who lie so much they don’t even know who they ARE. I don’t want to be around people who let others control their lives, their thoughts, their identity. I can’t. I don’t respect that behavior, I dislike it, it makes me feel physically sick.

I really… am hopeful. Honest to God I wish the best for Him and I hope that whatever path life leads him on will allow him to grow into the man I know is hiding in there. There is so much love and amazing qualities just waiting to be let out that it hurts me to know it’s just being WASTED. I feel so fucking angry because I know he has so much potential, he is loved so much for just who he is that I can’t understand why he taints it with so much useless bullshit. WHY. Why lie to prop yourself up or make yourself seem better than you are, you are already amazing. You’re already admired and loved just the way you are, why are you detracting from that by making yourself cheap and unrespectable? Why make people doubt you? Why cause so much shit for nothing? Can’t you see how amazing you are? And it makes me angry that he hasn’t yet found the strength to just be who he is regardless of what anybody thinks. I feel frustrated.

Leaving was the best thing for me in the end. I hate it every day, but I know it was right. I wish with all my heart it wasn’t. I know I will move on and things will change with time… Looking to the past won’t change anything, but it helps to see where you’ve come from. I felt insulted and hurt that he finally stopped chasing after me, but you know what, I am glad now. And it’s not because there aren’t feelings anymore, I am just glad for the break and it made things easier for me. It was the right thing to do. It kills me to think about how shit ended up, it hurts to be apart.

It was a bomb that dropped, and in the wake of the impact all the other love came rushing back in. The door slammed shut in my face, but ten new ones opened up for me. No, I’m not over it completely, but I am grateful for this. Sometimes I wonder if I create crisis in my life for this feeling of accomplishment, empowerment, overcoming. Maybe that’s partly true. It’s necessary to create change in myself, I guess. I have realized a lot about myself and my relationships because of this catastrophe. The pain reminds me that I’m alive, and all this love reminds me that it’s real. Jeez.

I’ve still got work to do, but hell… I’m not where I want to be but thank GOD I’m not where I used to be! I can look back 5 years and just… cringe. I’ve come a long way, baby, and I’m going strong.

Love can heal anything. You just have to believe it can.