Sister
I have watched you grow up. I’ve watched you fall down. Hell, you’ve watched me fall a few times yourself. I remember when you came home from the hospital; a warm, tightly wrapped up creature with blonde hair on your head. I remember when you damn near took Dad’s eye out with your sharp little nails. It was an accident, obviously, since you were only a few months old. I remember when Dad was cutting Watermelon in the kitchen, and as always you were right underfoot… The knife slipped and your toe almost came off. And then the day the cat got jealous and tried to scratch your face off, and Dad threw her halfway across the yard. We didn’t see her after that. Yep, you came tumbling into this world.
I remember curly blonde hair, so tightly wound you could swear they’d bounce right off your head. I remember the way you LOVED music, how you’d sway to the music and bob your head, humming away. I remember when you’d get excited, you’d pull your arms in tight to your chest and shake and giggle, your laugh was the most contagious one i had ever heard. When you were mad or scared, you’d let out this shriek like a banshee, I’m surprised you never made anyone’s ears bleed. You were quiet and careful, and such a bundle of love.
I remember the day Dad and I came and picked you up, a tiny knobby kneed kid, so skinny and sick looking from Mom’s. I remember watching the cop go to the door and feeling so scared for you. I remember Mom freaking out and breaking things as Dad put you in the back seat, shivering. You were still a small kid, but when you’d look in your eyes you could see a knowledge, that you had grown up inside.
I remember nights in our shared rooms in different places… The back room at the apartment, making you stay up all night with me and making you listen to OG rap. I remember reading to you, and talking to you about… I don’t know, whatever. I remember so many times, you just sitting close to me, watching me play video games and trying to help or just to tell me my empire looked pretty, or my Sim house was nice. You were always so nice to me, even when I was so cold and mean to you.
I remember mornings in Smiths Falls in that orange room. How we’d get you ready for school and walk out to the bus together. I remember our trips to the library. I remember holding your hand, and feeling such a need to take care of you. You have seen so much violence, pain, horrible things. I wanted to make up for being such a shit sister for so long, because I was so far inside my own head. I remember talking, and actually getting to know the person you were becoming. And like everybody else, the more I learned of you, the more I loved you.
You have always been this ray of Sun in the room, with your shock of blonde hair and your infectious giggle. You smile and everyone smiles back at you, they can’t help it. You are giving, generous and loving. You care for everyone and you feel so many things for them. Don’t ever doubt that you are loved, because you are. Through all the unspeakable things we have been through, for all our fights and disagreements, for every thing trying to pull us both down, we will always have each other. Even when you feel alone, you’re not alone.
You are the best thing our parents ever gave me, and it took a long time for me to understand, but now I do.
I love you, sister. Today is your birthday, so celebrate your life.
Inspiration
As everyone knows I (used to, and occasionally still) troll Craigslist in the missed connections and personals sections. I dunno why, I get kicks out of it I guess. Some of them are very touching. This one damn near made me cry!
I have twenty years of incredibly fulfilling marriage because I chose the unique. While there is certainly something to be said for the uncomplicated, predictable ease many of my very good friends settled for, it’s also sensationally uninspiring. Twenty years, three children and an ever-present sense of excitement has made a beautiful marriage. Her wild and unpredictable ways quickly matured and when I simply accepted that she was who she was, she brought me into her world and immersed herself in mine. It wasn’t always Heaven, but in our now empty house, and her continued spirit, I don’t dread being alone with my partner, I relish the thought. She was incredibly frustrating at first; I could not understand why she continuously held me at arm’s length and refused to let me in. There was something soft and beautiful inside that she was afraid to show, forever terrified of being hurt. Her defenses were for self-preservation and when she realized that I just wanted to share in her light, she finally learned to trust me in every sense of the word and stopped making back-up plans.
The unique mark your soul eternally. If you carry nothing but the haunting echoes of her spirit as it once touched you, you will always be in want of more. Don’t deny your heart and your soul what it truly desires because it is a little difficult now. Everything worth fighting for is eventually worth dying for. Hold her hand to the very end. It’s what you truly desire and from a man who was once in your very shoes, I promise you the journey is worth it. The two who can survive through the very worst are the two who learn to celebrate the very best and to work together through the very worst because they know one another on every level. There is nothing my wife and I cannot face together as one team. It helped raising three very unique children who have already started leaving their mark.
———————————- Original post:
I want to get over you…
but I keep going back..its hard to forget someone so unique.
Cowl
I desperatelywant to make this cowl I saw on ebay, but would like to make the hood bigger (to be more like a classic loose cowl with a lot of extra fabric) if possible. I just have no idea where to even start as far as creating (or mimicking) the pattern.
I was hoping to use a soft yarn for this, as my skin is really sensitive (some types of wool really irritate my skin, as does acrylic, etc)
Any help would be much appreciated! Thank you!
Cut-Throat Island
I don’t want to be like this anymore. I have learned a lot from everything that has happened in my life in the last little while. Well… the last 8 months especially. I have learned a lot about myself, about who I am and how I am damaged. And Why I am still hurting.
I have spent my whole life trying to isolate myself from other people, while trying to be close to them. I grew up an only child until I was 9. My parents both worked. I spent most of my time alone. I was an awkward kid and I got picked on a lot at school. My sister was born and my parents forgot about me. I was always around adults, and when I wasn’t, I was around kids my age who hated me for a reason I still don’t know. I have always been alone, and I have always needed to protect myself.
Now fast forward 20-some-odd years… I have healed a LOT from my old wounds. I have come out of my shell and found the world to be full of danger, yes, but also full of love. I have filled my life with amazing people who are really good to me. Honest, caring, kind people. I have learned how to be accepted, and liked. I have learned to be social.
Except when I fall in love.
When I fall for someone, I become an insecure 13 year old girl again. I question everything, over-analyze everything, I am suspicious, I 2nd guess every action. I become co-dependent. I become desperate.
When I fall in love it becomes a prison of doubt, fear, panic, worry, jealousy. I become my anti-self. I become everything I am not when I am single. It’s like, when I am alone I am confident, I am sure of myself, I have immense self-faith and I know how to make myself happy and how to maintain that happiness. As soon as I give my heart to someone, I “forget” it all. I look to my partner to fill the void that is missing. I look to them for perfection. For fulfillment. To Bondo all my dents and scrapes and gloss over it with a pretty Top Coat. Get real.
Trusting people doesn’t make you stupid. Being hurt doesn’t make you weak.
I need to stop trying to protect myself from people and trying to let them love me at the same time. I need to stop putting up walls and shying away from people because I am scared to get hurt.
I’ve BEEN hurt, and it sucked but I survived. I’ve BEEN betrayed and I moved on. I’ve BEEN abandoned and I learned to walk alone, strong and happy. I’ve BEEN abused. I’ve BEEN beaten. I’ve BEEN ignored, singled out, lied to, cheated on, left out… I’ve survived it ALL. I’ve made it through EVERYTHING.
So WHY do I keep going through this cycle of losing myself, when I KNOW damn well that I can make it through ANYTHING, that I can stand strong through EVERYTHING and come out happy, self-affirmed, self-sufficient and still able to give my heart and feel love and joy and fulfillment?
I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to love freely and feel openly and have the strength to pick myself up and carry on and FORGIVE and grow WITH people instead of cutting them out. I know that I am SMART enough to know the difference between MISTAKE and DELIBERATE. I know I am STRONG enough to move on when I have to, and be alone if I need to. I know I am CAPABLE of deciding, consciously, whether someone has wronged me and if they are WORTH putting in the effort to forgive and move on.
I want off of Cut-Throat Island.
5 Things Your Girlfriend Doesn’t Know How To Tell You
In every relationship, there have been moments, undoubtedly, where you have sat there scratching your head wondering why your lady is acting the way she is. While every situation and relationship is different, there seems to be a recurring theme under many of the problems fledgling, and even mature, relationships face. Women are complicated, and sometimes even they don’t know how to articulate what their problems are. So here are some things that she may be trying to say without knowing how.
1. Short answers are BAD.
Chances are you’ve had this conversation before:
Boy: “Baby what’s wrong?”
Girl: “Nothing.”
Boy: “Are you sure? You seem upset.”
Girl: “Nothing. I’m fine.”
Of course, as she is telling you she’s fine, she has an upset look on her face, she’s turning away from you, her arms are crossed, or she just has an obviously upset demeanor that tells you something is ‘off’. Don’t listen to her, boys, she is definitely not fine.
So why does she do this? Why not just be upfront and tell it like it is?
This response is usually a learned behavior, an avoidant response that an overwhelming amount of women use to skirt a subject. The thing is, gents, that us women at some point have probably been mistreated by one or several men in our lives. And as much as we may try our best not to take that out on you, it is part of our response pattern now. When we feel as though we are unheard, or our opinion isn’t valued, we think “why tell him what’s wrong when he probably won’t listen anyway”. While this may or may not directly be your fault, this is something you are going to have to learn to counteract. If you really care for your woman, you will help her with this destructive pattern.
So what do you do?
The motive behind this response is that she feels unheard, or like she isn’t valued. Now that you know the motive, you can take a more informed and empathetic approach to the conversation we started with. This is our way of asking you to work a little to get us to open up. When you work with her and make her talk, you are showing that you do care about how she feels and what is wrong. Chances are, when you first ask her, she will turn away or avoid eye contact, she might get angry that you’re pushing for answers. Try your best to stay with her- if she turns away, get back in front of her. Turn her chin up to you so you can see in her eyes. No matter what she says to you, how much it hurts what she is saying, stay with her and show her that no matter what, you aren’t going anywhere. And don’t just badger her into talking, be present while you are talking. Look her in the eyes, nod, comment here and there. LISTEN to what she is saying.
2. We like it when you chase us.
It’s the truth. When you do silly things to make her laugh, show up unexpectedly with flowers, and open the car door for her, she will swoon and feel wanted. It says to her, “I will do anything to make you mine; I want to take care of you” and women crave that kind of attention. They love feeling loved, and being pursued! Of course, women are highly analytical creatures- when a man shows interest she will wonder, is he for real? Does he really like me or does he just like the chase? Is he a player? Why does he like me? How am I different? Women ask and ponder these things so much because we are afraid to fall victim to the serial daters and players who have made us our prey in the past.
Once she has accepted your advances and you become a couple, ladies don’t want that feeling to go away. Of course they realize that in most cases, the man will accept that he has won, and then he longer focuses on making her want him. Big mistake boys! When you do little things to chase her, even when you know that she is yours, it shows that you are willing to work to keep her and put in effort to make her happy. Remember, when you chase her, it makes her feel wanted and sexy!
3. We worry about other girls, and how they look to you.
Some of us may be more jealous than others, but regardless of the jealousy level, every woman wonders how other females look to you now that you are off the market. One of the biggest fears women have in relationships is that now that you can’t have other girls, you will want every one you see. This may seem irrational, but think of how many times this has happened in the past in your life, when you couldn’t have something so then suddenly it seemed that much more appealing. This is one of the most destructive factors in many relationships, because it leads to a lot of tension and jealousy on her part. It may start with an innocent comment by you, a glance at another girl, or a mention of a past love and it will start a seed of doubt in her mind about her place beside you.
So what is a guy to do?
Of course, if you know any couple who has been together for a long time, you will see a trend- many of the women simply forbid the men from interacting with women while they aren’t present. Of course, most of the time, women know this is irrational and highly unrealistic to ask of your man. So here, men, are a couple of rules to live by when interacting with other women, especially around your girlfriend:
- Don’t ever, ever, EVER pay more attention to another female than to your girlfriend. Ever.
- Never repeatedly comment about another girl, whether negative or positive, and definitely don’t compliment her more than once either.
- Don’t mention your exes, or things you may have tried or done with them. Women don’t like being compared to other females, especially ones who you decided to move on from.
- If you do happen to bump into or meet another great girl while you are dating your girlfriend, hook her up with one of your buddies and be sure to make it clear that you are taken. This will make your buddy happy and get the girl out of your face.
- If another girl has a crush on you, hits on you, or otherwise makes excuses to spend time with you and act “really friendly” cut off contact completely. Right away. It never leads to anything good and in the end might cost you both your girlfriend and your friendship.
- If you do decide that you want to hook up with someone else or that you want your freedom, just do it! Don’t lead her on, don’t lie and definitely don’t cheat. The blow to our ego when you dump us is way more bearable than the agony of finding out you’ve been cheating.
4. We want you to hang out with your buddies. Really.
It’s a pretty common misconception that girls don’t want their boyfriends going out with their friends. In truth, she most likely does want you to go out. She wants you to do your guy thing and take out your testosterone on someone else for a change sometimes. When she met you, you probably had friends, and probably had your own life with lots of cool stuff in it. That’s part of what drew her to you in the first place, so why would she want to get rid of that now that you’re together? She wouldn’t! Only it’s a little different for her now because she actually cares about what you do now.
So what do you do about this?
Make her feel safe and wanted. Part of the problem may arise because she feels that you spend more time with your friends than her. If that’s true, you need to figure out just how serious the relationship is, and how much space you need as a person. Maybe part of it is that she feels that you resent her for making you spend time with her. She should never feel this way at all. If you mope around when you are with your lady because you can’t hang out with your friends, then that obviously isn’t going to make her feel very good or wanted. Finding the right balance between friends and girlfriend is key here! So open up, communicate with her and be honest about your needs.
5. Your friends are important to us, too; but leave ours alone.
Yep, hypocrisy at it’s finest. Women want to get to know your friends, she wants them to like her, all of that, and here is why: This insecurity usually stems from the female worrying about what kind of influence her man’s friends will be while she isn’t around. If they go to a club, are his friends going to pressure him to cheat? Are all of his friends single, and if so, will the temptation to join the Hunt be too strong? What do they say about her when she’s not there? Will they help him engage in self-destructive or dangerous activities? These are just a few of the things women think about and can lead to her overreacting and being insecure when her boyfriend wants a guy’s night. Girls want her man’s friends to like them so his friends won’t want him to lose her. Crafty, right?
On the other hand, girls don’t really want her man getting too chummy with her friends, especially her girl-friends. Not only are they known for spitting out embarrassing stories, but deep down she has a fear that she will catch her man with her friend, and then she will lose them both. Remember, girls have a fear that now that you’re taken you will want every other girl in your immediate vicinity, and this is especially true with her group of friends. This may be irrational, but mostly, it’s pretty harmless.
Still Can’t Sleep…
You know, I’ve had this sleeping problem ever since I can remember. When I was a kid I never really had problems sleeping. Then I went to school and started getting sick a lot. Bad eyesight until I had to wear glasses and eye-patches, chronic strep-throat and scarlet fever where I couldn’t hold any food down and I spent a lot of time in ice baths and hospitals. I grew up never feeling good physically, which I guess is what fostered my love for books. I still managed to sleep semi-properly though.
Then I started getting teased a lot at school because of my glasses and awkward social habits… Because when you spent most of your time around adults and with your face in a book, you don’t really learn about proper ways to interact with people. Not to mention parents with their own interesting problems, you mimic their behavior.
When I got into my teens I was so socially fucked up… I got teased from Kindergarten right up until I switched to a High School where literally one person knew me. Then I just became a raging asshole. I guess the constant teasing to the point where i had to hide in the girl’s bathroom so nobody would find me kind of fucked with my head a bit. That and the constant humiliation of being in a French Immersion class so Mommy could show off her social status to her friends – if only they gave a shit! Oh right… and the fact that she rapidly turned into a cokehead stripper abusive piece of shit… but only to me of course.
My sister is blonde. My Mother has been a bottle blonde since she was like 16. Hence, sister is favorite.
There are so many other experiences I could put down here… the physical, sexual, mental abuse that has happened in my life, mostly thanks to her, some just bad happenstance, others… well you get the idea. What’s the point though…? I’m pretty, so I must be an inexperienced twit who “like, totally watched Jersey Shore last night, like OMG!!!!”
I’m just bitter and fucked up and I hate that it has made me weak, that I have so many relationship problems and emotional problems. I am socially awkward, my friends all think I’m a fucking weirdo half the time, when they’re not just embarrassed for me. I hate that I feel weak, vulnerable sometimes. I grew up being ridiculed and beaten on for showing weakness til I couldn’t feel anything at all. Til I didn’t want to feel anything anymore.
I want to feel. I want to understand. I want to change.
Every time I get close to a breakthrough I give up on myself and prove them all right. I have done nothing with my life. I know I have so much potential. I know I can be more. I frustrate the shit out of myself because I don’t do anything. I sit comfortably on a measly, slave income, deciding between food and things I want. I don’t get to go shopping. I don’t get to have nice shit. And it’s my own fucking fault. I get lazy. I give up.
I get motivated and reinforce myself, I get a bit of encouragement, and then I let it fall apart. I have done this time and time again. Why do I do this to myself? Why am I sabotaging my life?
I wanted to finish High School. I have 4 credits left. 4 unbearably easy credits. I have enrolled TWICE in correspondence courses to finish my OSSD. What do you think happened?
I hate that I allow myself to continue living in a shoebox, with hand-me-down everything, not doing fuck all with my life except pwning noobs at games. I have so much to give, so much to offer, yet I don’t date and push all the potential guys away because I see reflections of myself in them. I am attracted to them at first and then as soon as I know I can have them, I don’t want them. The ones I can’t have, I go crazy about.
I hate all of this about myself. I hate that I can’t keep my fucking apartment clean, even though I desperately want to. I have tried so many methods, in the end I just get lazy. Unmotivated. Uninterested. And then I hear words echoing in my head of everybody who beat me down saying “See! You can’t do shit! This is so typical of you Sam!”
But I feel too weak to change it.
I don’t want to end up like my Mother, making up illnesses and beating my kids, making everybody in my life insane. I don’t want to end up like my Dad, intolerant, miserable and alone.
I don’t know how to love properly. I don’t know how to be a good friend, or behave properly in public. I don’t know how to be vulnerable.
I don’t know how to be loved.
I am scared. I am 23 years old and I feel so damaged. I feel like I’ve been torn apart so many times and tried to put the pieces back together that I’m falling all apart. I feel like a mess. A very controlled, concealed, straight-faced mess.
I want to change but I don’t know where to even start. I don’t hate myself or my life I just… I am still really hurt and angry and scared. I’m sick of doctors who tell me they can help, who just want to put me on all kinds of medications, and other doctors who take a look at me and assume I have an eating disorder because “Mommy didn’t love me enough”. I don’t want pity, I want solutions. And I have to work for those, which just unmotivates me. Vicious Circle.